A month later
Calm down.
I know you’ve been worried sick, but I’m back. I took a sabbatical from blogging. And, by “sabbatical,” I mean “I forgot my password.” I have three passwords I use for things, and about three or four log-ins – and while I’m no math major, I think that gives me over a trillion different possibilities. Maybe more.
Wow. With 3 minutes remaining, Dallas is trailing Golden State 104-80. Probable MVP Dirk Nowitzki has 8 more points than I do right now. And I’m sitting on my couch in boxers.
Spurs are in round two (2) – facing the Suns, and I want to tell my friend Michelle, a Suns fan, good luck. For her benefit, I would like to break down the series. In a completely unbiased way.
Tony Parker v. Steve Nash — Advantage: Parker. Steve Nash is ugly and those two MVPs are Canadian, which translates to zero MVPs in American, with the exchange rate and all. Parker is French, but he’s dating a hot American actress (who’s actually Mexican). Shut up. Advantage still Parker. Nash looks like he smells pretty bad, too.
Michael Finley v. Raja Bell – Advantage: Finley. The name “Raja” reminds me of the guy that threw spoons from Mystery Men. Michael Finley looks like Billy Ocean. And, when it comes down to Billy Ocean v. anybody, Billy Ocean always wins.
Bruce Bowen v. Shawn Marion – Advantage: Bowen. Please. This one isn’t even close. Bruce Bowen will go one of the best NBA players in the galaxy. And probably as one of the best in whatever is bigger than a galaxy. A galaxyinfinity. Shawn Marion shoots like his shoulders, elbows, and wrists have been fused. You can’t tell the history of the NBA without mentioning Bruce Bowen. You can barely tell the history of the world without mentioning Bruce Bowen. I can tell the story of “Players with the surname ‘Marion’ who currently play for the Phoenix Suns” and never once mention Shawn Marion. That’s how bad he is.
Tim Duncan v. Amare Stoudamire. Advantage: Stoudamire. I’m kidding. Duncan will probably average 80 points and impregnate Amare’s wife just out of spite. And if Amare’s not married, it’ll be his mother.
Francisco Elson v. Kurt Thomas. Advantage: Elson. Kurt Thomas sounds like the name of a stockbroker. Francisco Elson sounds like the name of a machine.
Spurs Bench v. Suns Bench. Advantage: Spurs. C’mon. Phoenix’s best bench player is named Leandro. What kind of name is Leandro? It’s the name of a little sissy girl, that’s what it is. Manu and Fabricio are manly names. And, I’d say Beno, but if ever finds the court, it means that the Spurs are behind by about 1000. And not only that, there have probably been three or four fatal injuries during the game.
Popovich v. D’Onofrio. Advantage: Popovich. This one is such a landslide advantage, that I decided to compare Pop to the actor Vincent D’Onofrio, instead of Mike D’Antoni. D’Onofrio was surprisingly good in Men in Black, and he has his own Law and Order show. And of course there’s Full Metal Jacket, and did anybody notice him as Thor in Adventures in Babysitting? A decent resume. Pop has three rings and probably killed people in the military. Pop takes this one. Even though he loses a few points for being sinfully ugly.
Spurs in four. Three. One and a half.
Yeah! I agree!
I would have replied 30 seconds sooner but I had to run to the bathroom after reading your hilarious blog.
Ow, oh, ah, my sides!
Can’t stop laughing. This is the craziest yet! Where do you come up with your ideas? Oh, comedy gold!
Hank Azaria was the Blue Raja… you are correct! May the forks be with you.
What the heck have you been doing? I talked to you last night and your blog was black and not girly. Now it’s blue and so girly I have to take insulin to combat all the sugar. Is this what they pay you to do at work?
Your Tim Duncan sounds surprisingly like Chuck Norris, which I find patently unfair.
I think you are overlooking the Spurs’ greatest advantage…Oberto’s hair over Nash’s. Call him Sampson…with his long hair, Stevie boy had 2 MVPs…without, no MVP. I think Nash will be staring jealously at Oberto’s long flowing locks, remembering the days that he had to brush the stringy wet hair out of his eyes.
Freakin HILARIOUS!!!! Oh to be a fly on the wall for the ones I haven’t yet been a party to!