New Blog

•November 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Not sure if anyone ever goes to this – as I wasn’t even aware it was still in existence – but my new blog is at:

http://www.stevencrawford.net

2007 WC Semifinals – Phoenix v. San Antonio

•May 13, 2007 • Leave a Comment

Catch the Fever

OhMyGoshOhMyGoshOhMyGosh

•May 8, 2007 • 1 Comment

This would be just about the worst thing for me, because like many people know, the two things I hate most in life are:

1 – Spiders

2 – Things living in my ear

ALBANY, Oregon (AP) — These guys were not exactly Snap, Crackle and Pop.

What began as a faint popping in a 9-year-old boy’s ear — “like Rice Krispies” — ended up as an earache, and the doctor’s diagnosis was that a pair of spiders made a home in the ear.

“They were walking on my eardrums,” Jesse Courtney said.(Watch how an earache led to the creepy discovery Video)

One of the spiders was still alive after the doctor flushed the fourth-grader’s left ear canal. His mother, Diane Courtney, said her son insisted he kept hearing a faint popping in his ear — “like Rice Krispies.”

Dr. David Irvine said it looked like the boy had something in his ear when he examined him.

When he irrigated the ear, the first spider came out, dead. The other spider took a second dousing before it emerged, still alive. Both were about the size of a pencil eraser.

Jesse was given the spiders — now both dead — as a souvenir. He has taken them to school and his mother has taken them to work.

Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.

A month later

•May 4, 2007 • 6 Comments

Calm down.

I know you’ve been worried sick, but I’m back. I took a sabbatical from blogging. And, by “sabbatical,” I mean “I forgot my password.” I have three passwords I use for things, and about three or four log-ins – and while I’m no math major, I think that gives me over a trillion different possibilities. Maybe more.

Wow. With 3 minutes remaining, Dallas is trailing Golden State 104-80. Probable MVP Dirk Nowitzki has 8 more points than I do right now. And I’m sitting on my couch in boxers.

Spurs are in round two (2) – facing the Suns, and I want to tell my friend Michelle, a Suns fan, good luck. For her benefit, I would like to break down the series. In a completely unbiased way.

Tony Parker v. Steve Nash — Advantage: Parker. Steve Nash is ugly and those two MVPs are Canadian, which translates to zero MVPs in American, with the exchange rate and all. Parker is French, but he’s dating a hot American actress (who’s actually Mexican). Shut up. Advantage still Parker. Nash looks like he smells pretty bad, too.

Michael Finley v. Raja Bell – Advantage: Finley. The name “Raja” reminds me of the guy that threw spoons from Mystery Men. Michael Finley looks like Billy Ocean. And, when it comes down to Billy Ocean v. anybody, Billy Ocean always wins.

Bruce Bowen v. Shawn Marion – Advantage: Bowen. Please. This one isn’t even close. Bruce Bowen will go one of the best NBA players in the galaxy. And probably as one of the best in whatever is bigger than a galaxy. A galaxyinfinity. Shawn Marion shoots like his shoulders, elbows, and wrists have been fused. You can’t tell the history of the NBA without mentioning Bruce Bowen. You can barely tell the history of the world without mentioning Bruce Bowen. I can tell the story of “Players with the surname ‘Marion’ who currently play for the Phoenix Suns” and never once mention Shawn Marion. That’s how bad he is.

Tim Duncan v. Amare Stoudamire. Advantage: Stoudamire. I’m kidding. Duncan will probably average 80 points and impregnate Amare’s wife just out of spite. And if Amare’s not married, it’ll be his mother.

Francisco Elson v. Kurt Thomas. Advantage: Elson. Kurt Thomas sounds like the name of a stockbroker. Francisco Elson sounds like the name of a machine.

Spurs Bench v. Suns Bench. Advantage: Spurs. C’mon. Phoenix’s best bench player is named Leandro. What kind of name is Leandro? It’s the name of a little sissy girl, that’s what it is. Manu and Fabricio are manly names. And, I’d say Beno, but if ever finds the court, it means that the Spurs are behind by about 1000. And not only that, there have probably been three or four fatal injuries during the game.

Popovich v. D’Onofrio. Advantage: Popovich. This one is such a landslide advantage, that I decided to compare Pop to the actor Vincent D’Onofrio, instead of Mike D’Antoni.  D’Onofrio was surprisingly good in Men in Black, and he has his own Law and Order show. And of course there’s Full Metal Jacket, and did anybody notice him as Thor in Adventures in Babysitting?  A decent resume.  Pop has three rings and probably killed people in the military.  Pop takes this one.  Even though he loses a few points for being sinfully ugly.

Spurs in four. Three. One and a half.

Easter

•April 3, 2007 • 3 Comments

I don’t know who all is aware of this fact, but we will be celebrating Easter this year.  Due to these events, if you need to get ahold of Kyle, Ed, or myself – we will be in our office.  Until probably October.  At which point we will begin planning Christmas.

A tribute to Ed Ybarra

•March 13, 2007 • 8 Comments

Ok, not so much a tribute. More of a running log of the pranks Kyle and myself have pulled on one Edward Orlando Ybarra. First a little backstory; Kyle and I are probably the funniest and best people ever. Now that you’re caught up, I will list the prank, and rank it as I see fit. Here they are, in random order:

The Wet Seat of Doom3 out of 5 stars

This one is a very simple trick. Pour water in the seat of Ed. It can be while he’s sitting there, or while he’s up. Either way, the result is the same. Pure, unadulterated hilarity. It takes a minute before he realizes it, and I think that’s part of why it’s so funny. But, like every prank, there are pros and cons. The pro is that it never gets old. Not even one time. The con is that Ed can retaliate with the same prank. For example, when you’re under the desk messing with electricity, and he pours a bottle of water down your pants. Hypothetically, of course.

The Wet Seat of Doom can be improved upon by sending the victim an email that says ‘Don’t sit down, your chair is wet.’ That easily bumps it up to a 4 star prank. I recommend this prank for office situations, school situations, and bat mitzvahs.

The Wooden Rod of Doom – 3 out of 5 stars

As you can see, I’m judging pranks very strictly. The only reason this is a 3 star prank is because it’s so simple and quick. This is from the mind of Kyle. Take a three foot wooden dowel, and hit the back of Ed’s chair with it while he’s working. It makes a cannon like sound, and Ed jumps out of his seat. Again, this never gets old. For a bonus star, make the rod explode upon impact, leaving shrapnel wounds upon the victim – which Kyle has done on at least one occasion.

The Wet Paper Towel of Doom3 out of 5 stars

This is a good, quick prank for those on the go. We have pulled this one a few times before, even as late as yesterday afternoon. Wait until your victim is looking intently as his screen, and then drill him in the side of the face with a wet, soggy paper towel. It makes an amazing sound, and the reaction is obviously hysterical. Again, for an added star, have your partner in crime (PIC from here on out) send an IM to the victim that says ‘watch out…spit wad’ and then give the victim a second to read it. Kyle and I pulled this off masterfully yesterday.

The Frozen Keys of Doom4 out of 5 stars

The only reason this one is a four star prank is because it didn’t freeze completely solid. We took the keys, and put them in a bowl of water in the freezer. Unfortunately, said bowl was slightly insulated, so it didn’t freeze all the way through. Still, the reaction was bloody brilliant, and this is one we will be revisiting in the near future. Yes, Ed – I said in the near future.

The 1980s Computer of Doom – 4 out of 5 stars

First off, you need to know the setups we have in our office. Mac G5 Quads with 30″ monitors and all sorts of other fun toys. Ed went on a vacation for a few days, so we tampered with his workstation. Pictures will tell this story the best.

Before:

After:

Evidently an old computer like that is called ‘A Wang.’ Bonus points if you can get Heather to accidentally say “What man still has a functioning wang?”

The Smoke Machine of Doom - 5 out of 5 stars

I rank this one on potential alone. The actual result was probably a 3 star prank, but it had the potential of being a 5 or even a 6 star prank. It took a couple weeks of planning. We borrowed a smoke machine from a friend, and placed it under Ed’s desk in a box. A hole was strategically cut in the box to allow for optimal smoke dispersal. The machine was controlled by remote, which I had, and the smoke had been aimed to come up from below his desk, and up from the back, by his monitor. We waited until Ed was working (which actually must have taken about three weeks) and then executed the plan. Kyle turned up his music to mask the noise, and I triggered the smoke. It came up just as planned and everything was in motion. What we hadn’t counted on, however, was a variable (thank you, Michelle), that we will refer to as Bobby T. A variable that walked through the room right before the panic ruined Ed, and shouted ‘it’s coming from that box!’ We were on the brink of prank history – and it was derailed.

The Gaff Tape of Doom3 out of 5 stars

These are actually multiple jokes, as gaff tape can, and should, be used frequently. Gaff tape can be used to:

- Tape a cell phone to a ceiling

- Tape keys to a ceiling

- Tape Ed to a chair

- Cover up the optical eye on a mouse

- Tape a mouse to Ed’s hand

- Wrap Ed’s glasses when he asks you to fix the nose piece because it came off

The Stacked Furniture of Doom4 out of 5 stars

This is Kyle’s and my oldest prank, perhaps. We’ve executed it a few times, and it’s simple and fun. When Ed goes to the bathroom, stack all the furniture in the office in front of the door. We have gotten three office chairs, a couch, a coffee table, a trashcan, and a fan (turned on) in less than thirty seconds, and in complete ninja silence. It’s even to the point where Kyle and I have perfected Navy Seal-like hand signals to use complete non-verbal communication.

The Projectiles of Doom4 out of 5 stars

This is a definite 4 star prank, solely because Kyle knocked him down the other day with one. Stress balls work the best, as they’re soft, and fly straight and true. Also, he peeks through doors every time he comes in now.

The Zip Ties of Doom3 out of 5 stars

Zip tie everything on Ed’s desk together. Ev. Ry. Thing. Watching Ed in all his sausage fingered glory trying to undo the pandemonium we have created is amusing, to say the least.

Note the sausage fingers.

The Power Tools of Doom3 out of 5 stars

The same premise as The Projectiles of Doom™, except instead of throwing balls at him, fire up power tools right outside the door when he opens it. Bonus points for making him recoil into the bathroom to use it again.

The Dark Bathroom of Doom4 out of 5 stars

This one is an addendum to the original post.  We just pulled this one off, not five minutes ago, and it was worthy of a spot on the list.  At his age, Ed has to use the restroom eight to ten times a day.  And this presents many opportunities for The Dark Bathroom of Doom™.  We give Ed a minute to get settled, and then my PIC and I turn off the lights.  Simple.  The hilarity arises because it’s pitch black and Ed has to use his cell phone for any light.  It jumps to a 5 star prank when Kyle and I stay in the bathroom in complete silence and darkness, and scare the ‘bejesus’ out of him when he turns on the light.

The Hanging Office Chair of Doom3 out of 5 stars

Take Ed’s office chair, and hang it from the catwalk by a rope, upside down. Bonus points for getting the music pastor to walk right next to it, at eye level, and not see it because he’s looking down at his cell phone.

We here at Deaf, Dumb and Blind Video Productions are always looking for new and exciting pranks. Please send all suggestions to stcrawford@grandecom.net.

Randomings

•February 27, 2007 • 3 Comments

Sitting here at work – exporting, encoding, authoring, and rendering. Might as well add blogging to it.

We have a Monday morning meeting every week with the Communications staff. Without doing an actual headcount, I’d say there are probably about 30 people who attend it. Although it’s all the same department, it’s the only time we see some of them all week. We’ve started reading books, much like Okra’s book club, where we all discuss it. The last one we read was called An Hour on Sunday which had to do with the creative process behind the sermons. This new one is called Too Busy Not to Pray. It hit me on a personal level. We live in such a forward thinking society that people don’t ever stop to just be content in the moment. It’s always about getting more or getting better. It’s rare that people will just stop and be content with what they have. I think this translates, albeit loosely, to the lack of people praying. It seems that a lot of people only pray when they need something or want something. Not necessarily material things – it could be patience or strength. It’s not a bad thing to pray for those – but what about giving thanks in a prayer for what you already have?

I’m here because He allowed me to be here. I have what I have because He allowed me to have it.

Maybe I don’t say that enough.

 
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